Divorce help!

**Schmidty** · 03-07-2012, 03:06 AM

and do you mind if i move in when she takes everything in the divorce?

**Honkey_Kong** · 03-07-2012, 04:15 AM

Originally Posted by Schmidty

i dont beleive in divorce. When you say till death do we part then you should mean it. Then again im not married and never have been. But I dont think people just fall out of love, it doesnt just happen like that. One of you(doesnt matter who) quit trying to reach out and communicate with the other for what ever reason and its gone on long enough that you feel so distant that you want a divorce. What happened in the past 2 years to make you feel in love to not? aside from 40lbs. Im a prick and will tell any girl i hate fat and fat people gross me out, it just sows how much one cares for about there body and self and if you dont care about your own body and self then how can you about sumbody else? I hope things work out for you both and end up happy one way or the other

There probably is more to it than just her extra weight. But, if you're not physically attracted to your spouse anymore, it makes for problems in the household.

**cherrydrpepper** · 03-07-2012, 07:04 AM

Ok I know nothing of marriage let me say that. Im 30 never married no kids thankfully. My girl and I have been dating over a year. She has brought up marriage MANY times. We were lying in bed a month ago and she brought it up for what seemed like the millionth time. I finally told her, honey I lift weights. I work out as the song goes. I am not marrying a walker (someone whos idea of exercise is walking). People who walk, look like shit. Its a fact of life. Its like saying whats the bare minimum exercise I could do, oh, I know, walking.

I bought this girl gym membership. Shes not fat she was 5' 8" 155 at this time, probably more like 135 or 140 when I met her. She has a lot of muscle in her legs so she can carry 140+ comfortably and doesn't look fat. This girl decided on her own to get a personal trainer. She loves the dude he is some married guy with kids good trainer. She has been dieting religiously and working out every other day. In one month she has gone from having a little tummy and some cottage cheese dimples on her ass and a full face to having that thin lean face, flat stomach with some abs, and no more dimples on the ass just smooth could jo to it. She says ultimately her goal is 135 lbs, which is good I think any less and she would show ribs which is too far imo.

So what is making the difference? I use positive reinfor***ent all the time I mean every day. Second I always thought trainers were bs because I had never gotten one worth talking about, but the trainer is making a difference for her. And third I let her find reasons to do it for herself. Yes there were some tough love moments but I would not use these if already married.

**DSM4Life** · 03-07-2012, 07:09 AM

Ill say it once, if you don't love someone because of their physical appearance then you don't really love that person.

**Honkey_Kong** · 03-07-2012, 11:17 AM

Originally Posted by DSM4Life

Ill say it once, if you don't love someone because of their physical appearance then you don't really love that person.

You're right, but people often confuse lust with love. But at the end of the day if you aren't physically attracted to that person you're married to, it's only going to lead to problems (in other departments).

**cherrydrpepper** · 03-07-2012, 12:45 PM

Originally Posted by DSM4Life

Ill say it once, if you don't love someone because of their physical appearance then you don't really love that person.

Two schools of thought

#1 Yes you are right. I mean if you love someone then even if they were disfigured you would want to be with them.

#2 If you aren't fkin youre just friends

**awms** · 03-07-2012, 01:03 PM

I understand were your coming from, I understand that you wife has let her self go after only 2 years and you cant understand it and your no long attracted to her like you once were...its tough and although people will tell you your a bad guy you still cant get over the feeling correct? You say you no longer lover her but you do....you dont get married unless you love someone but the problem is now that connection is gone and its hard to want to be with someone who is boring and your not sexually aroused by any more...this doesnt mean you dont like her as a person or atleast I would hope your relationship is not based just around looks?

Any way this is my take on the problem:

There is a reason for every thing women do and it is often (and Im going to go out on a limb and say 99%) emotional. When a man lets him self go it is often just because we "dont care" and its simple but with women there is often a psychological reason behind! My guess is that she is not happy with the relationship either and since communication is not there it is really affecting her as well....you dont have sex as much because she doesnt feel sexy, shes letter her self gain weight perhaps because she uses food as something she can control or she uses it when she is stressed to cope with stress, and she isnt making an effort because she can prob sens you are not making an effort.

When you got married it was for better or worse and this is "worse" my friend, this is the moment in time were your marriage is at its worst and you both need to work on it! its not easy, no one said it would be but you have to buck up and communicate!

You want her to eat healthy and work out, live a healthy life style? then you need to let her know that it is important to you! you need to sit down with her and simply say "Hun I want to talk to you, is everything ok?" she will prob say "yes why?" and you say something like "over the past year I have noticed some changes in your personality, and in your health and Im really concerned! I love you and want to make sure everything is ok?" she will then prob say "what do you mean?" and you can say "Hun you seem with drawn, you have gained weight, and I sens that you not as happy any more? so please tell me whats wrong and Il listen to what ever it is you have to say" and then just let her talk.....she will prob ask if your still attracted to her and you should say something like "of course I am! your beatiful and I will always love you but Im concerned about you health and we cant keep living like this" then let her talk and listen! be understanding! once she is dont let her know how you want to live a healthy life style with her, and ask her if she wants to start cooking healthy meals together and working out together, going for walks ect ect....do fun stuff together that is active. Tell her you love her and you want to go on more dates and talk about your problems instead of just ignoring each other!

You would be supried what she will say and how she will react if you do this! try it out!

**evander87** · 03-07-2012, 02:11 PM

My $.02

If you two can agree, get a mediator and let them hash out the divorce settlement. It'll save you thousands of dollars. HOWEVER, if she lawyers up you better damn well get one too. Best way to find a divorce lawyer ask your divorced friends who came out better in the settlement and hire that one.

Seriously if you can divorce without lawyers it will save you so much money. Mine cost me $38K in lawyers fees alone. Not to mention how I got hosed in the settlement. Oh and we didn't have kids either.

**Times Roman** · 03-07-2012, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by lovbyts

I have a better pre nup than you.
1st wife is deceased. We were getting divorced
2nd wife is deceased. We got divorced
3rd, do you really want a divorce????

and they were all insured with million dollar policies? =)

**DSM4Life** · 03-07-2012, 03:40 PM

Originally Posted by cherrydrpepper

Two schools of thought

#1 Yes you are right. I mean if you love someone then even if they were disfigured you would want to be with them.

#2 If you aren't fkin youre just friends

If that what you tell yourself to make you feel better then so be it.

**cherrydrpepper** · 03-07-2012, 06:49 PM

Do they really still make guys pay women monthly payments even when no kids are involved? seems like bs.

I like what awms said, for better or worse and this is the "worse" part that you need to get through.

**evander87** · 03-07-2012, 09:49 PM

Originally Posted by cherrydrpepper

Do they really still make guys pay women monthly payments even when no kids are involved?

Yep

At least I did under California law. I hear Washington state is worse. So it might vary state by state.

**Honkey_Kong** · 03-08-2012, 03:36 AM

Originally Posted by evander87

Yep

At least I did under California law. I hear Washington state is worse. So it might vary state by state.

I heard in some of these liberal states, the judge will sometimes even ignore signed pre-nups. There really is absolutely no reason for a man to get married anyways. The risk is too great and the reward is nonexistent. You don't have to marry some chick because you love her. Nor do you have to get married in order to have kids. Marriage is an obsolete institution.

**Hazard** · 03-08-2012, 07:19 AM

Originally Posted by Honkey_Kong

I heard in some of these liberal states, the judge will sometimes even ignore signed pre-nups. There really is absolutely no reason for a man to get married anyways. The risk is too great and the reward is nonexistent. You don't have to marry some chick because you love her. Nor do you have to get married in order to have kids. Marriage is an obsolete institution.

AMEN!

Most women will tell you though that it's about the commitment..... but they're the ones who really don't have much to lose. It's a funny thing too..... because what I have noticed regarding women and marriage is that a woman who has a hefty bank account, a good job, and is fully independant is more likely to not push for marriage so fast. I know a few women who are extremilly successful and marriage isn't that important to them. They completely believe in love..... they've been in love and have had long relationships..... they just don't push marriage.

I'm not saying women are gold diggers, tho some are, but maybe when there is more risk for one of the parties in the relationship there is also more hesitation to get married.

~Haz~

**Schmidty** · 03-08-2012, 07:55 AM

Originally Posted by evander87

My $.02

If you two can agree, get a mediator and let them hash out the divorce settlement. It'll save you thousands of dollars. HOWEVER, if she lawyers up you better damn well get one too. Best way to find a divorce lawyer ask your divorced friends who came out better in the settlement and hire that one.

Seriously if you can divorce without lawyers it will save you so much money. Mine cost me $38K in lawyers fees alone. Not to mention how I got hosed in the settlement. Oh and we didn't have kids either.

omg please say your kidding???

**DSM4Life** · 03-08-2012, 07:57 AM

Originally Posted by evander87

My $.02

If you two can agree, get a mediator and let them hash out the divorce settlement. It'll save you thousands of dollars. HOWEVER, if she lawyers up you better damn well get one too. Best way to find a divorce lawyer ask your divorced friends who came out better in the settlement and hire that one.

Seriously if you can divorce without lawyers it will save you so much money. Mine cost me $38K in lawyers fees alone. Not to mention how I got hosed in the settlement. Oh and we didn't have kids either.

.....I hope they DON'T pass gay marriage !

**evander87** · 03-08-2012, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by Schmidty

omg please say your kidding???

No joke.

Originally Posted by DSM4Life

.....I hope they DON'T pass gay marriage !

pfft you guys should be able to suffer just like the rest of us.

**redz** · 03-08-2012, 06:59 PM

Mariage can be tough at times not everything in life is easy, I have been through ups and downs in 5 years or mariage, my wife gained some weight at one point but she is back in to working out now all the time down to just 113lbs. I have been through rough patches with my own stuff too if you don't talk to each other you can`t figure out what is going on.

**redz** · 03-08-2012, 07:08 PM

Mariage can be tough at times not everything in life is easy, I have been through ups and downs in 5 years or mariage, my wife gained some weight at one point but she is back in to working out now all the time down to just 113lbs. I have been through rough patches with my own stuff too if you don't talk to each other you can`t figure out what is going on.

**cherrydrpepper** · 03-08-2012, 07:18 PM

Originally Posted by redz

Mariage can be tough at times not everything in life is easy, I have been through ups and downs in 5 years or mariage, my wife gained some weight at one point but she is back in to working out now all the time down to just 113lbs. I have been through rough patches with my own stuff too if you don't talk to each other you can`t figure out what is going on.

How tall is your wife? I dated a girl who was 5'3" and 105-110 she looked great. Then again the girl I am dating now is 5'8" and would look third world country national geographic sickly at those weights.

**SexySweetheart** · 03-08-2012, 10:01 PM

Originally Posted by cherrydrpepper

Do they really still make guys pay women monthly payments even when no kids are involved? seems like bs.

I like what awms said, for better or worse and this is the "worse" part that you need to get through.

...AND vice versa... whom ever was theb read winner in the family has a risk of paying out ... it was a concern of mine for a brief time! (luckily my X is as smart and productive as a log, so I shimmied outta of that worry

**lovbyts** · 03-10-2012, 11:01 PM

Originally Posted by Times Roman;592***5

and they were all insured with million dollar policies? =)

No, only 50k on the first one. 90% went to bills and attorney fees.

2nd on had 250K but since it was 3 years after our divorce she had put it in her sons name and since he was 18 it was gone in less than a year with nothing to show for it except a wrecked motorcycle, not even a Harley.
3d one; hopefully she will out live me since she is 20 years younger. :P Hopefully I will last another 20+ years also. lol

**lovbyts** · 03-10-2012, 11:08 PM

Originally Posted by Sexy4mySweetheart

...AND vice versa... whom ever was theb read winner in the family has a risk of paying out ... it was a concern of mine for a brief time! (luckily my X is as smart and productive as a log, so I shimmied outta of that worry

Really? show me where that has happened more than once or twice. In my case although I was awarded FULL custody of our 2yr old daughter, she had supervised visitation ever other weekend/Saturday and she claimed to make 2x more than me (BS for custody argument only) I was awarded $25 a month. hahahahahaha How is that fair for someone claiming to make almost 100k a year? Now if it was reversed I would be paying over 1K+ a month without a doubt.

**spywizard** · 03-11-2012, 12:27 AM

Originally Posted by lovbyts

Really? show me where that has happened more than once or twice. In my case although I was awarded FULL custody of our 2yr old daughter, she had supervised visitation ever other weekend/Saturday and she claimed to make 2x more than me (BS for custody argument only) I was awarded $25 a month. hahahahahaha How is that fair for someone claiming to make almost 100k a year? Now if it was reversed I would be paying over 1K+ a month without a doubt.

if she is paying child support, you can always have it adjusted....

**lovbyts** · 03-11-2012, 01:05 AM

Originally Posted by spywizard

if she is paying child support, you can always have it adjusted....

Well I Doubt that works both ways also very often but in the end it was adjusted to $320 a month from SSI until my daughter turned 18. Death benefits.

**Razor** · 03-11-2012, 01:31 AM

I've bee married b4.. the divorce was the best money I ever spent

**lovbyts** · 03-11-2012, 02:47 AM

Originally Posted by Razr.

I've bee married b4.. the divorce was the best money I ever spent

Isnt it sad that things can go so wrong we think that? Why cant it just be simple and we agree to disagree and IF we have to divorce it's you leave with what you came with + 50/50 what was made or loss since you got married.

Of course there are the kids to consider but I dont think someone who makes 10 mil a year that their kids needs $25K a month to live where someone who makes 50K a year only pays $1K a month. Also ALL the child support should be audited and has to be used on the kid. If the parents have 50/50 custody then no one pays.

OK yeah it's all good in a perfect world.

**Honkey_Kong** · 03-11-2012, 09:12 PM

Originally Posted by Hazard

AMEN!

Most women will tell you though that it's about the commitment..... but they're the ones who really don't have much to lose. It's a funny thing too..... because what I have noticed regarding women and marriage is that a woman who has a hefty bank account, a good job, and is fully independant is more likely to not push for marriage so fast. I know a few women who are extremilly successful and marriage isn't that important to them. They completely believe in love..... they've been in love and have had long relationships..... they just don't push marriage.

I'm not saying women are gold diggers, tho some are, but maybe when there is more risk for one of the parties in the relationship there is also more hesitation to get married.

~Haz~

Even if they're not gold diggers, they still will expect you to be their personal slave. The only reason we even get married in the first place is because those broads bully us in to it. They'll threaten to leave if we don't.

A chick is at her best when you call her once a week to come over at night. Anything more and she's wearing out her welcome.

**Hazard** · 03-11-2012, 09:34 PM

You know how many relationships I've had where the girl was like "I'm an independant girl..... I can take care of myself..... I'm not needy and I need my alone time with my girlfriends....." and then 2 months later shes sayin she's a high maintenance girl that needs to be with her man and needs to be reassured everyday.....

fvck that noise....

~Haz~

**SexySweetheart** · 03-11-2012, 10:44 PM

Originally Posted by lovbyts

Really? show me where that has happened more than once or twice. In my case although I was awarded FULL custody of our 2yr old daughter, she had supervised visitation ever other weekend/Saturday and she claimed to make 2x more than me (BS for custody argument only) I was awarded $25 a month. hahahahahaha How is that fair for someone claiming to make almost 100k a year? Now if it was reversed I would be paying over 1K+ a month without a doubt.

well I have 2 gal friends athat are supporting there looser hubbies here in NH and they both have custody of the kids, but you wouldnt know them ... some one you may now ~ umm the black chick on the VIEW has custody of the kid yet pays alimony to her X, thats all I know of off hand (cuz she b!tches about it alll the time lol) but Im positive ther are more gals..

**SexySweetheart** · 03-11-2012, 10:50 PM

OK did some research...Martina Navratilova, Joan Lunden, Madonna, Kirstie Alley, Goldie Hawn had to pay Gus Trikonis off but thats just ladyz that you may have heard of... the every day gal that makes more money than her hubby is just as much at risk as the every day guy who makes more money than his wifey... regardless of kiddos...each state is diff and each judge is as well.. but when an X has a grudge or spent years free loading off you... be affraid. be very affraid lol

**Hazard** · 03-11-2012, 10:51 PM

Thats it.... I'm moving to NH.....

~Haz~

**canadian-bacon** · 03-11-2012, 10:52 PM

A flight of stairs could solve your problem

**Hazard** · 03-11-2012, 10:56 PM

^^^^ LMFAO

~Haz~

**SexySweetheart** · 03-11-2012, 10:59 PM

Originally Posted by Honkey_Kong

Even if they're not gold diggers, they still will expect you to be their personal slave. The only reason we even get married in the first place is because those broads bully us in to it. They'll threaten to leave if we don't.

A chick is at her best when you call her once a week to come over at night. Anything more and she's wearing out her welcome.

baaaahahaha ummm yea isnt EVERYBODY? heaven forbid you have to get close/ build a bond/ care/ or invest yourself with another human lol you may just discover that they have a past b4 you or feelings that you effect or dreams that you may hinder or priorities that conficy yours... sooo much easier to just drool over, text flirtasiosly for an ego boost, grope and handle till youve had your fill than send on their way... believe me we (gals) feel the same lol ... but eventualy we need more of a connection, that sadly comes with its own yuk ~driving record/bad credit/ X/ babys/scetchey work history/drug use/ booze use/ immaturity lol
yall are not alone in relationship woes when it comes to dating

**SexySweetheart** · 03-11-2012, 11:03 PM

Originally Posted by canadian-bacon

A flight of stairs could solve your problem

lol um gonna get a little scarey for you men but... my gals stayed in their marriges for an av of 3 years longer than they wanted so they could get the hubbyz to work cuz they KNEW they would be milked by them (with no success) so than they just said EFF it (we had MANY nights of watching hitt men movies or ways to "off" a guy with out being found guilty LMFAO)...not worth it... and so they filed, sure they are not happy BUTthey are happier than when they were married

**lovbyts** · 03-11-2012, 11:06 PM

Originally Posted by Sexy4mySweetheart

well I have 2 gal friends athat are supporting there looser hubbies here in NH and they both have custody of the kids, but you wouldnt know them ... some one you may now ~ umm the black chick on the VIEW has custody of the kid yet pays alimony to her X, thats all I know of off hand (cuz she b!tches about it alll the time lol) but Im positive ther are more gals..

There are a lot of women who support their deadbeat boyfriends or husbands. That's not what we are talking about. I'm talking about COURT ordered support/custody. I'm not saying it cant or has never happened. I'm saying it's 1 in 1000 or less compared to women getting support with or without kids.

As Haz says it's funny how they go from being independent, self sufficient and not needing a man to take care of them up until divorce than all of the sudden they need the world and more.

Originally Posted by canadian-bacon

A flight of stairs could solve your problem

LOL, only problem is when they ask how the person fell down the same flight of stairs 3x.

**Hazard** · 03-11-2012, 11:15 PM

I am in a rare situation in an unforgiving state for men and divorce/custody.....

Unfortunately (for my wife)..... she fvcked up so bad that she screwed herself with custody. If it wasn't so well documented..... I likely wouuld be screwed......

~Haz~

**SexySweetheart** · 03-11-2012, 11:27 PM

yup court oredred n that doesnt include Nicole who has a 17year old son that just moved in with the X (she unemployed and was in college to be an RN collecting unemployment) the X got court order for child support also and the judge put in the order that she must drop outta school so she gets employed full time to suppot the alimony and now child support..so instead of her investing in a carreer thats high salery, she has to take medial job(high school diploma only) to pay court orders... we are still p!ssed that the X doesnt see the longerm benifits of her finishing school/ paying him more than 4x what he gets now (and her ability to have a source of living)

Miki basicly pays for her X to get high every day as he stays unemployed while she raises her 17yera old in the condo she bought single handedly
stacy almost lost her house (that was given to her from her father) as she raise her 17 year old girl and 10 year old girl...working at a all girl private school in exchange for the kids tuition... her LPN money covers just bills and alimony to the douch of a dad (hes actualy a good dad and was a good hubby imo, she just was tired of him so its her own falt imo) but really? alimony? sad.
michelle is now saving secratly in her moms account for a divorce as soon as the kids leave (16/17 year olds) and finishing college... hes a pot head they own an auto body shop she basicly supports with her student loans.. but she knows he will go for alimony, and doesnt care she is tired of having kids ~ including HIM... sometimes a REAL MAN a equal is worth paying for...
the same Im sure goes for you guys..

**SexySweetheart** · 03-11-2012, 11:31 PM

Originally Posted by Hazard

I am in a rare situation in an unforgiving state for men and divorce/custody.....

Unfortunately (for my wife)..... she fvcked up so bad that she screwed herself with custody. If it wasn't so well documented..... I likely wouuld be screwed......

~Haz~

your spot on.. my friend paulette is with a guy she also met on eHarmony thats going threw this now(3years)...hard for them both.. I had to suggest a better GAL and private parent aide (what I do).. now he has custody of the kids and is seeking alimonyt but looks like he may only get 50.00 a week (unemployment) but they are soooo happy to finaly have the kids/ safe/drama free he could care less if she paid .01 a week lol