wife cheated, honest opinions...

**Mealticket** · 03-04-2006, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by timvds

I don't think it is hipocritical at all.

Do not covet thy neighbors wife is a commandment.

You can still honor and love your wife if you are unfaithful.

WOW..........Thats all i can say.........and what # marriage are you on?

**timvds** · 03-04-2006, 11:24 AM

Originally Posted by Mealticket

WOW..........Thats all i can say.........and what # marriage are you on?

He wanted opinions... So he is going to get them at all sides. I'm a cheater. My wife knew that when she married me.

First marriage BTW.

However I don't take her for granted, and love her.

**taiboxa** · 03-04-2006, 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by sp9

Mature advice - You should get divorced, and neither of you re-marry anyone until you know you will be faithful.

Also, you should both talk to a professional about your mental states and habits.

you just took my exact words.

**goose** · 03-04-2006, 11:36 AM

If you still love her,you can work things out.History is one of the most important things humans can use to Analyze a Situation.Why have you and her cheated a number of times?? Looks like this could repeat,unless you get to the real root of this.

goose

**helium3** · 03-04-2006, 11:39 AM

people who cheat have little honour or morals imho i personally couldnt live with myself,my wife is the air that i breath! but in your case if you are happy cheating on each other at least its out in the open.but you dont sound too happy so i would part company and find someone who makes you feel complete so the desire to cheat isnt there.unfortunatley putting your personal life on any board will get you responses that you dont want to hear.
but seriously dude good luck.

**NOREGRETS** · 03-04-2006, 11:40 AM

I wouldn't worry about the other guy, the problem lies in your relationship. Your trying to deflect your angry on this guy, when it should be directed at your wife. She obviously knew he was married, so if you have a problem with someone's morals, it should be your wifes. Trust is the foundation of every working relationship, without it you have no relationship.

**LAGMuXle** · 03-04-2006, 12:01 PM

I cannot directly relate to this situation, as I am not married either.

However, I can give you a couple of good pointers that might help you out.

First suggestion is I would seek some professional help, and no, I am not saying this offesnively, I am saying this in good faith - you may want to consider hearing what a professional has to say about the situation. It can't hurt. I would consider seeing someone alone at first, and if you feel needed, bring in your wife as well eventually. But for now - see someone alone and see how that helps.

Secondly; I would suggest keeping your angers and frusterations to between you and your wife, seeing that you both have made some terrible mistakes, it cannot be soley taken out on a single third party, since several third parties were involved, and it doesn't sound logical to vent on only ONE. Not to mention the legalities involved, do you really want to risk it?

To me it sounds like you both need some time alone to see where things stand personally, outside of the relationship. By this I don't mean take off with another girl, or see other girls, but I do mean take some time to yourself to think about where YOU want to be in YOUR future. Think of it from YOUR perspective, and do not inlcude your wife in your thoughts; if you have trouble NOT including her in your thoughts - then consider staying with her. If you can easily see yourself happier without the stress of an insecure relationship - then consider divorce.

I would treat divorce as the last option, and I believe this should be true for all situations in a marriage - you should both to your absolute best at working things out BEFORE the decision of divorce is made.

We all feel for your bro, and good luck on everything. I hope some of the things I suggested will help your train of thought - I know it isn't much, but I wanted to at least say something for you.

Just keep in mind that you are the most important thing in the situation to yourself, don't sacrifice too much of your own happiness or wants, at this point, it could only make things worse to do so.

Take care,

LAG MuXle

**RATM** · 03-04-2006, 12:08 PM

This will probably get me major flame, but the lack of maturity that members of this board astounds me sometimes. Here are my points/.02 cents...

1. Regardless of whether or not the other party involved knew your wife was married, this is about you and her, PERIOD. It really has nothing to do with him, as it could have just as easily been someone who was not married themselves or knew nothing of your marriage. If your wife cheats once or 10 times, 100% of the blame lies with her. Same goes for you.

2. Because of the above point, anyone who resorts to violence in a situation like this (and there are many on this board who would) are just insecure little children. Giving advice like "being the man and putting her in her place" or "bitchslapping your wife" is like saying that you have no faith in your relationship and that you are too immature to have an meaningful one at that. I have been in your EXACT shoes with my first wife and had as much pent up rage and anger as you most likely do, but I always kept my life and future in perspective.

3. Although this is probably what you dont want to hear, I would cut ties with her and try your best to remain friends. I would not be able to place any trust in how she says she feels any longer.

4. As off topic as it might seem, you might want to ask yourself if you truly are in love with this person or just "in lust" per se. If its the latter, then maybe SVT's idea of the alternative lifestyle might be something you should consider.

5. Before you "tattle" on this guy, ask yourself what good will that do your situation? Most likely, nothing, however it might make you feel better short term. In any event, it's really non of your business if that guy cheats on his wife or not.

6. IMO professional help is worthless. I dont think sitting in a room and listening to some therapist tell me what is right and wrong about my relationship is going to change the way I feel about the other person. You either love someone and honor the committment or you dont.

7. You and your wife are deep into adultery. Right or wrong, you at least became honest with each other which is a start. Noregrets is right, trust is the foundation. Lag is correct. You really need to search your soul and point your life and future in the right direction. Being alone sucks, but being with someone for the sake of not being alone is worse. You said yourself you are trying to distance yourself from some of the things that you have done in the past. This may be one of those things. I hope that you choose your next path more wisely than you have chosen your first.

Good Luck...

**SwoleCat** · 03-04-2006, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

id appreciate it if you'd watch your mouth. please reference the section on 'MATURE' advice needed and refrain from using derogatory terms for issues NOT EVEN RELATED to the question. save your character judgement for the mirror.

Although I kind of agree with you, you have to realize that if you both cheated a total of 8 times, it's pretty safe to say you guys don't exemplify a "normal" marriage.

I won't comment on anything, I am not one to judge. I will say that if both parties are not 100% honest with their feelings while you hammer this out, it's only going to continue as it has in the future.

~SC~

**SwoleCat** · 03-04-2006, 12:15 PM

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

you only know what ive told so lets not make uneducated assumptions. ON TOPIC: would you stomach the fact that the guy knew she was married and did it anyway, or do otherwise?

Who cares about if he did this when he was married or otherwise.

It's your wife that is the one to blame, not the guy. If she wants to bone, then what's he gonna do, say no????

It's her fault all the way around. Once the legs open, GUILTY.

~SC~

**Timm1704** · 03-04-2006, 12:38 PM

i p[ersonally would be in two minds myself, but whilst in a level headed mood right now, i would not take retribution on him, apart from letting his wife know. as for the relationship, you may love each other, but if neither can handle the very obvious potential for infidelity, then part ways as amicably as possible. hope it all works out bro

**sp9** · 03-04-2006, 12:46 PM

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

ON TOPIC: would you stomach the fact that the guy knew she was married and did it anyway, or do otherwise?

Imagine reading that as someone who has no emotional or financial involvement. Read it again.

She was married to you, she went through a religous or civil ceremony with you (with witnesses), and made promises to you, she also agreed to abide by the laws of marriage in your state as well as the legal and financial consequences applied when marriages disolve.

He did none of those things with you and made none of those promises to you.

Many would see it from that point of view. I am not saying he is not a scum bag, but you should place blame where it belongs. If it was not him, it would have been someone else. The problem with the behavior you have described for us, comes from you and your wife. It would have not happened from either of you, had you taken the promises you made to each other seriously. This has nothing to do with the people either of you cheated with, and you are only using that as a distraction to ignore the real problem. Go talk to a highly recommened professional.

**hotstuff** · 03-04-2006, 01:13 PM

Have you guys tried counseling? It really does help!

As far as confronting this one particular guy she cheated with....if you do that than she should have permission to do the same with all the girls you cheated with.

I nthe end it wouldn't make any of it any better.

**NotSmall** · 03-04-2006, 02:55 PM

Originally Posted by timvds

He wanted opinions... So he is going to get them at all sides. I'm a cheater. My wife knew that when she married me.

First marriage BTW.

However I don't take her for granted, and love her.

IMHO your wife needs to get some self respect and dump your ass.

**NotSmall** · 03-04-2006, 02:59 PM

And to bigbouncinballs:

Sorry dude but the idea of you beating some guy up for not respecting your marriage does sound a bit silly when you have disrespected your own marriage 5 times.

***Doc.Sust*** · 03-04-2006, 03:05 PM

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

now that ive got your attention, heres the scoop. need some MATURE advice. been together five years, she cheated three times, i cheated five. both still wanna stay together and are currently workin through things, the confessions were about a month ago. so this isnt the issue, the issue is that one of the guys was a guy she worked with and i could locate pretty easily.

should i seek retribution?

yes, she gave it up and made the decision to spread her legs so im not displacing my anger solely upon him... the problem i have is that he knew she was married. i was brought up NEVER to mess with an involved woman, especially someone married. am i old fashioned? i have made a lot of bad/violent decisions in my past and am trying to distance myself from that behavior as i get older, however nothing would make me feel better than to teach this guy what i already know, 'never fvck with a married woman!' however, this too has its repurcussions...

is this simply hurt pride i need to get over, or is it almost mandatory that this guy be dealt some vigilante justice?

been losin sleep over this... i get back in the country in a little over a month and would desperately like to have my head straight about it so any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated.

no retribution, would you be ok if she tried to beat down the girls you hooked up with? probably not. you both made some BAD mistakes, wipe the slate clean and try to ge some help for the both of you to understand maybe Y you both did this and so it wont happen again, you have to find the problem and fix it so it wont keep happening, dont worry about beating the guy down , worry about fixing the problem

**spyderUSMC** · 03-04-2006, 03:07 PM

Revenge on the guy who cheated with your wife? All due respect...your wife cheated on you, not him. Hi problem is with his own wife, not you. Also, the two of yo have cheated repeatedly on each other. Where's the respect for the other? Where's the self respect. I think that the two of yo need to deal with your own personal issues before you can ever consider a relationship with anyone else. The cheating is a SYMPTOM of a problem that both of yo have. Blaming anyne else, IMHO, is irresponsible and immature.

**Chookster** · 03-04-2006, 03:13 PM

you shouldnt seek retribution against him, you didnt enter any sort of agreement with him she is the one you entered into marriage with. i doesnt sound like either of you are very happy being married and that will never change long term.

***Doc.Sust*** · 03-04-2006, 03:16 PM

may an open relationship is a kid idea?

**Marisa** · 03-04-2006, 03:29 PM

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

you're absolutely right, however it wasn't a traditional marriage, it was at a courthouse, she's from germany and she wanted to work and go to school here as well as continue the relationship so we got married so to speak. the REAL ceremony comes if we can work this out. but yes, hypocritical for sure.

Dosnt sound like u guys married for the right reasons..

I can see if you guys cheated once.. then I would suggest working it out.. but since it happend continuous times.. I think its best for you both to just move on.

As for the guy.. Yes it was wrong that he did it knowing she was married but not all men think like you and it takes two to tango. Definatly keep your cool.. go work out hard, hang out with some friends.. You can't change the past. It happend and thats the end of it.

I think a divorce will be the best thing for the both of you. Good luck

**MartyMcFly** · 03-04-2006, 03:33 PM

I read my post and it sounded crazy.

***Billy_Bathgate*** · 03-04-2006, 03:50 PM

Id say you were a piece of shit and a huge hypocrite if you felt the need to retalliate on shit you have done even more of yourself.

Not that two wrongs make a right or anything, but it seems you are one of the last people that should be judging on others cheating when you yourself are a cheater if you see what Im saying.

For all you know, she may have told him she was getting a divorce and hated you or whatever. Sure she may have told you a different story on it, but hey...if she cheats, do you really think she cant lie either?

I would probally sum it up to say you have a failed marrige and should cut your losses. I dotn know if you can repair something like that, as each of you will always have trust issues of some form against the other.

Sucks..but JMO

**Mike Dura** · 03-04-2006, 04:02 PM

That sounds like a painful ordeal. I'm sorry to hear about this. I can imagine how angry and hurt you must be. You sound like a smart reasonable guy torn between a primative visceral response (i.e., revenge) and a more evolved cerebral response. I'm hoping that you go with the latter. There's no need for retribution. When a girl puts out the cue guys typically respond. The onus of responsibility for her behavior is her and you guys both want to continue with your relationship so this is probably where you should invest your energies. That's clearly the constructive choice. You can't continue on with your relationship if you're thrown in jail or if this situation spirals out of control and he now seeks retribution on you. These things can lead to a fatal outcome and that's not worth it. Have you considered marraige counseling? That has done wonders for some of my friends. You might want to give it a try. Good luck.

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

now that ive got your attention, heres the scoop. need some MATURE advice. been together five years, she cheated three times, i cheated five. both still wanna stay together and are currently workin through things, the confessions were about a month ago. so this isnt the issue, the issue is that one of the guys was a guy she worked with and i could locate pretty easily.

should i seek retribution?

yes, she gave it up and made the decision to spread her legs so im not displacing my anger solely upon him... the problem i have is that he knew she was married. i was brought up NEVER to mess with an involved woman, especially someone married. am i old fashioned? i have made a lot of bad/violent decisions in my past and am trying to distance myself from that behavior as i get older, however nothing would make me feel better than to teach this guy what i already know, 'never fvck with a married woman!' however, this too has its repurcussions...

is this simply hurt pride i need to get over, or is it almost mandatory that this guy be dealt some vigilante justice?

been losin sleep over this... i get back in the country in a little over a month and would desperately like to have my head straight about it so any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated.

**extreme22** · 03-04-2006, 04:28 PM

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

now that ive got your attention, heres the scoop. need some MATURE advice. been together five years, she cheated three times, i cheated five. both still wanna stay together and are currently workin through things, the confessions were about a month ago. so this isnt the issue, the issue is that one of the guys was a guy she worked with and i could locate pretty easily.

should i seek retribution?

yes, she gave it up and made the decision to spread her legs so im not displacing my anger solely upon him... the problem i have is that he knew she was married. i was brought up NEVER to mess with an involved woman, especially someone married. am i old fashioned? i have made a lot of bad/violent decisions in my past and am trying to distance myself from that behavior as i get older, however nothing would make me feel better than to teach this guy what i already know, 'never fvck with a married woman!' however, this too has its repurcussions...

is this simply hurt pride i need to get over, or is it almost mandatory that this guy be dealt some vigilante justice?

been losin sleep over this... i get back in the country in a little over a month and would desperately like to have my head straight about it so any suggestions/advice would be greatly appreciated.

bigbouncinballs from what I experienced bro you must realize that
even though a married man did sleep with your wife it wasn't though she was saying no to him so for you to feel all what you feel it is normal but it does take 2 my friend and you must realize that she was violated by you when you first them 5 times remebr a woman will never forget but they will forgive. Females can hide there most deep down hurt feeling and live there everyday life,
But you must be the better man and ask your self do you really want this marriage or not, can you both live with what has happened and if so then both of you need to come to some kind of understanding. We always must remember that it is these time that make us realize what we have till it is gone my friend so I hope that this helps I am sorry but love is a 2 way street. Good luck bro

***G-1000*** · 03-04-2006, 04:56 PM

Bro i stoped reading after the first line. If i was you i would find someone how does not cheet. Also you need to stop the bull shit also. if you lover someone you do not cheet on them. if you wont to **** other chicks find a girl that will swing with you and make a life style out of it.

**stayinstacked** · 03-04-2006, 05:11 PM

There is no working shit out bro, you've both cheated on each other numerous times!!! It's bound to happen again. Think about it, it was a co-worker, she's going to be around him alot more in the future. During her day, she is probably thinking of the great sex they have together. That dudes mouth was on your womans tits!!!! Your girls mouth was on his dick that day, not yours!!! That guy got his rocks off on your wife!!!!! Quit trying to work through the inevitable, your only acusing yourself more headache. If marriage meaned anything to either one of you, then you would have had more respect for each other than to **** somebody else in the first place.

**stayinstacked** · 03-04-2006, 05:13 PM

actually, now that I think about this again, if you all know you've cheated on each other, just get together and have a gangbang.

**BARLOW** · 03-04-2006, 05:24 PM

Hi, Im here for the gangbang.

**Bryan2** · 03-04-2006, 06:08 PM

Say one of the girls you cheated on your wife was married herself

Would it be right for her husband to come seek vengence on you is what you need to ask yourself???

**shorty2big** · 03-04-2006, 06:12 PM

leave the guy alone, it's not even worth it and the real problem is between your wife and you. That should be your first concern. Just my 2 cents.
S2B

**bigbouncinballs** · 03-04-2006, 06:39 PM

wow, a lot of responses. i need to be humble about this and many of your criticisms hit home. thnx for the time bruthas.

**bigbouncinballs** · 03-04-2006, 06:40 PM

Originally Posted by stayinstacked

There is no working shit out bro, you've both cheated on each other numerous times!!! It's bound to happen again. Think about it, it was a co-worker, she's going to be around him alot more in the future. During her day, she is probably thinking of the great sex they have together. That dudes mouth was on your womans tits!!!! Your girls mouth was on his dick that day, not yours!!! That guy got his rocks off on your wife!!!!! Quit trying to work through the inevitable, your only acusing yourself more headache. If marriage meaned anything to either one of you, then you would have had more respect for each other than to **** somebody else in the first place.

thank you for the one retarded post in two pages worth of help and advice.

**Hard Head** · 03-04-2006, 06:49 PM

Originally Posted by sp9

Mature advice - You should get divorced, and neither of you re-marry anyone until you know you will be faithful.

Also, you should both talk to a professional about your mental states and habits.

This is the correct path for you both.

The alternate path is for you to sit down with her and discuss living an 'alternate lifestyle' where your marriage is 'open'. Swinging together might not be a bad idea either. I have close friends who are swingers, my wife and I don't swing but so what if they do? No one cares if that is the lifestyle you want. As long as there are no childern involved and you are both mature enough to handle the situation, I say go for it.

Good luck either way.

Oh, about the other dude(s), leave him out of it, it's got nothing to do with him, only you and your wife.

**Mizfit** · 03-04-2006, 06:50 PM

I think there is a lot of unresolved animosity.. counselling is required to move past this.. and you got to stop trying to get back at one another by cheating

**bigbouncinballs** · 03-04-2006, 06:52 PM

thnx all, counseling has been in the cards for a while... once we get back to the states.
im 25 if that makes a difference.

**Mizfit** · 03-04-2006, 06:59 PM

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

thnx all, counseling has been in the cards for a while... once we get back to the states.
im 25 if that makes a difference.

unresolved feelings.. gotta get dealt with

**timvds** · 03-04-2006, 07:20 PM

Originally Posted by NotSmall

IMHO your wife needs to get some self respect and dump your ass.

Well, that is your opinion.. Why don't you call her and let her know how you feel? Oh, that's right. You don't know who she is.. Nor I for that matter, or what goes on in my household.

**stayinstacked** · 03-04-2006, 08:03 PM

Originally Posted by bigbouncinballs

thank you for the one retarded post in two pages worth of help and advice.

No offense bro, but retarded isnt my response, its calling your situation marriage

**stayinstacked** · 03-04-2006, 08:04 PM

for real though, I dont think there is any getting past this. You both have to be honest with yourselves before you can be honest w. one another. Sorry for the rude sounding posts, I really didnt mean anything by it

**RATM** · 03-04-2006, 10:44 PM

I'm sorry BBB, but IMO, counseling would be a complete waste at this point. I dont mean this in a disrespectful way, but be a man and move on. Your only 25 and I hope that you learn to value trust in a relationship from this experience.