What have I done

**Euroholic** · 06-12-2013, 09:32 PM

When i was a kid my nan use to say " you made your bed now you have to lie down"

I think its time to lay down bra you cant always win

**< <Samson> >** · 06-12-2013, 11:25 PM

Originally Posted by Euroholic

you cant always win

Working as hard as I can to change that.

**austinite** · 06-12-2013, 11:29 PM

Is she hot?

**Java Man** · 06-12-2013, 11:54 PM

Lol. Down to basics.

**thegodfather** · 06-13-2013, 02:26 AM

Well....

First off, I think that its good that you at least feel guilty about what you've done. I had a close friend who constantly cheated on his fiance, now wife, and who while he was upset about getting caught, was never actually upset about what he did to her, a true sociopath in every sense of the word. I do hope your feelings are sincere, and that you're truly upset and empathetic to your woman's feelings regarding your actions.

Second, I think the most important question you should ask yourself is, do you really want her back? and if so, do you really intend to be monogamous with her for the rest of your life? Do you believe you're capable of those things?

I believe that kind of introspection is just as important as your apologies, those are probably the biggest steps you can take towards reconciling. Without having answered those questions truthfully to yourself, how do you know if you have a beginning point to start to repair your relationship?

I can't relate with your situation in that I've never cheated on a woman I was in a monogamous committed relationship with. However, I can relate with your situation, in that I've slept with multiple girls at one period in time, leading several of them on at one time, to believe that I cared about them, hurting countless really really good girls, genuinely good people, and missing a lot of great opportunities, that I still regret having done. I can tell you MY reasons for doing what I did, it was an ego trip, I believed that seeking & gaining the attention and affections of multiple women at one time, validated me as a man, and gave me an over inflated sense of self worth. Its the means by which I felt good about myself. Having matured, I was able to see that this was a false sense of self worth, it was egotistical, and wreaked of hubris. I suggest that you figure out the reasons you did what you did, not as an excuse for your woman, but as a way to not repeat the mistakes of your past.

It's been my own personal experience, that people who cheated on their significant others who they are committed to in a serious relationship, also have serious personal issues with self-esteem, and that those issues are seldom rectified just by getting caught. I've seldom met a cheater (male or female) who has been able to change, because by and large it is a deep seated psychological hangup. Figuring that out is a huge step towards moving forward. I wish you the best of luck and hope you're able to do so.

I too, would recommend professional couples counseling for the two of you, if you and her are so willing.

**< <Samson> >** · 06-13-2013, 08:34 AM

Originally Posted by austinite

Is she hot?

Pretty hot now, remember my post from back in the day of how do I get someone to work out? Yeah, she's been working on herself hard pretty much ever since then. She looks good enough IMO for sure to be worth a monogamous relationship.

And - yes, for sure. It is a part of my ego trip. I knew it ever since I really got into my fitness shit. It just made me feel better knowing I can get girls that I never could before. Specially me being older now, getting young ones just made me feel great. Getting a 19 year old that I couldn't get to give me the time of day when I was the same age made me feel very empowered.

Now, I look back - & some of this I don't take back. Just sucks seeing her so hurt by me. If I didn't do it now, I would have never gotten to.

The best way I put it to her is, I am over it. I did the damn thing & for a long time. I'm happy it came out, to a certain degree. I still look at girls as eye candy, but its just that. I can't see myself doing this again while with her or anyone else if we were in a serious relationship. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it & I doubt I will ever stop. But, I can't have both. Even if I get away with it, I will always think something like this can happen. Something will slip up, & my real life will b over.

I'm just waiting for the day of her running into one of my encounters. There has already been close calls. It's a small world, I come across the same people from wherever at all kinds of random times.

I just know this, she maybe extremely hurt by what I did. But, from the point of her finding out and on I have been beyond better to her than before.

**austinite** · 06-13-2013, 09:23 AM

^ Email me pics please.. I want to help you with this decision.

**Lunk1** · 06-13-2013, 09:24 AM

Originally Posted by austinite

^ Email me pics please.. I want to help you with this decision.

Post em and put it to a poll decision

**< <Samson> >** · 06-13-2013, 11:25 AM

Maaaaaaaaan

**Flagg** · 06-13-2013, 01:23 PM

Sometimes it takes a terrible tragedy, heart break or worse to make a person truly change, otherwise they'll carry on without any sense of consequence.

Some people like their shit too much.

**thegodfather** · 06-13-2013, 07:05 PM

Originally Posted by < <Samson> >

Pretty hot now, remember my post from back in the day of how do I get someone to work out? Yeah, she's been working on herself hard pretty much ever since then. She looks good enough IMO for sure to be worth a monogamous relationship.

And - yes, for sure. It is a part of my ego trip. I knew it ever since I really got into my fitness shit. It just made me feel better knowing I can get girls that I never could before. Specially me being older now, getting young ones just made me feel great. Getting a 19 year old that I couldn't get to give me the time of day when I was the same age made me feel very empowered.

Now, I look back - & some of this I don't take back. Just sucks seeing her so hurt by me. If I didn't do it now, I would have never gotten to.

The best way I put it to her is, I am over it. I did the damn thing & for a long time. I'm happy it came out, to a certain degree. I still look at girls as eye candy, but its just that. I can't see myself doing this again while with her or anyone else if we were in a serious relationship. Don't get me wrong, I still think about it & I doubt I will ever stop. But, I can't have both. Even if I get away with it, I will always think something like this can happen. Something will slip up, & my real life will b over.

I'm just waiting for the day of her running into one of my encounters. There has already been close calls. It's a small world, I come across the same people from wherever at all kinds of random times.

I just know this, she maybe extremely hurt by what I did. But, from the point of her finding out and on I have been beyond better to her than before.

I can certainly empathize with your feelings about the ego trip, as I once was at the very same point in life, minus cheating in a monogamous relationship. I would not try to justify it in either case, but my point is that I understand the motivation, and its a very empowering feeling.

With regards to your second comment, worrying about your life being over if you slip up and she finds out, it leads me to believe that you do not actually care about ending your lifestyle of self gratification because it is wrong in and of itself, but rather because you do not want to get caught. See, you may believe that if you stop doing something that's wrong, then you've achieved something. However, I tend to be of the belief that your motivations for stopping those behaviors is just as important as ending the behaviors themselves. Be that as it may, I suppose one step at a time, but I hope you're able to realize how good you actually have it. It's not 'cool' to be <40 yrs old and alone, or even older and alone. Best of luck to you man...

**< <Samson> >** · 06-13-2013, 07:53 PM

Originally Posted by thegodfather

It's not 'cool' to be <40 yrs old and alone, or even older and alone. Best of luck to you man...

This is 100% factual information. . . This is what really hit me like a brick wall. I am getting to the big 4o quite quickly and I do not need a fresh start. I been there and done that, ended a long ass marriage and was left with nothing but emotional scaring and enough debt to drive a person to insanity.

My current Gf is the person who brought me back. We worked together to get our lives on track since she was in a very similar situation. It worked out very well, just too well. . . . And I was left with something missing, I did not know what it was and this is how I filled it. Yet again, I look back and say WTF was I doing. . .Then I see my motives.

The best way to put it now, is that it is out of my system. As far as me wanting to be in 100% monogamous relationship. Well, she's down for a few things that kinda help that. I don't want to be with anyone else on a emotional level, not any more - Not at all.

Before, the ego boost was very effective. It made me feel better than any drug or any other BS I have done. . . But, I had enough. There comes a point in life where you understand you need to put down the bottle, the pipe or whatever else it may be. This was all of it and more. . . The only way I can stop is by focusing on what I can lose and damage. It is very hard to do, no BS. . . . But, I have a few friends that live this lifestyle. Some do it quite well, but their home life means damn near nothing and they don't care too much if they do lose it. Others have nothing and just do whatever and whoever comes their way. Yet, both still envy my life. . . . I have a lot for a guy who started with straight nothing four years ago. With no job supporting 3 kids, her, 3 cars(sometimes 4) and a place we own outright. All straight from zero and nothing more. She knows what I do, it is far from legitimate but I do what I know how to do.

She means quite a bit to me. We been together for four years and I feel way more attached to her than my eX wife which I was with for 10 years. I never even wanted to have kids with my ex, but when me and her got together I knew right away there was no better mom to my future kids.

This has been a hell of a trip 4 sure. . . . At this time, I can see the future a bit for us. She's not like other women and is not treating this in a typical manner that I would expect at all. Not saying by any means that I know for a fact that everything will be fine. I just seem to have that feeling, why? I can't say for sure. . . But, shit is still tough. Things do get brought up, but this is still a fresh emotional scar for her. There is no way in how hell I can expect or even ask for any more than what I have been given ever since this went down.