'Official Postwhore Thread'

[Ernst]

tell her there is this fine man who wants to visit Cali

and screw her brains out.

I daresay you stand a good chance. She is definitely looking for a man.

[Ernst]

****in hate today

Send a mail bomb to the ex. It doesn't solve anything but it'll make you feel better.

[KatsMeow]

tired of the BS

[KatsMeow]

I just wrote an emotional letter, after drinking and at 3am, i'm pretty sure thats not a good thing to do. But I'm tired of feeling like a Fing dumpster

[KatsMeow]

I'm a good person, he says it himself, he even says I'm the kindest, most loving, and caring person but yet, he can't freakin not CHEAT?

[Ernst]

I just wrote an emotional letter, after drinking and at 3am, i'm pretty sure thats not a good thing to do. But I'm tired of feeling like a Fing dumpster

Uh-oh. Kats, don't mail that letter just yet!

[KatsMeow]

too late

[KatsMeow]

He is with another woman RIGHT NOW! Like I give a Fvck at this point

[scibble]

How to Pick Up Your Bartender

It's a full-service establishment around here, and don't you forget it.

Allow me to tell you what to do (and what not to do) when you find yourself smitten with the barmaid (I suppose it could work for the barman as well, but most of the anecdotes that spawned this list are from my experiences and my sister's tales of working behind the bar in Scotland, and we're both ladies, y'see).


First off, I suppose it warrants mentioning that since men seem to find women in the beverage service industry very appealing (guys, correct me if I'm wrong here, but this is what I've heard), so you should probably keep in it in mind that she deals with a lot of douches throwing themselves her way, so you'll need to work pretty hard to prove you're not one of said douches. There are a few easy ways to do this.

1.) Be careful with the tipping. Too little and she thinks you're an asshole. Too much and it seems like you're trying to buy her attention. Always tip fairly ($1 per drink, maybe more for cocktails. Probably lots more if you order sissy cocktails.), with the occasional sympathy over-tip if you go in on a really busy night and feel bad for her. This is something a bartender appreciates over time, which brings me to...

2.) Cultivate status as a "regular." We like regulars. They are comforting. We know they don't get out of control, we know they don't run out on bills, and they're not going to go for the reach-around if we run down to change a keg (all of those things are unappealing in a dude, by the way, so don't do those things). Also, a bartender is much more likely to chat with a regular than some one-off dude who waltzes in and throws a wad of money on the bar and then expects she'll take him home. Also, being a regular means coming in for non-busy hours, which is more conducive to chatting with a non-busy bartender.

3.) You are what you drink (in that we remember what you drink). Don't drink sissy drinks. Nothing with "Breeze" in the name. In fact, you should get into the theme or specialty of the establishment itself. Some young men once asked me to select their beers for them, which was great. It allowed me to nerd out about Julius Echter and Fuller's ESB. Chances are, the bartender enjoys a tipple herself, so it's a nice icebreaker to ask her opinion on a beverage selection. There really is nothing worse than rattling off the tap list and getting hit with the old "I'll just have a Mich Light." I, in my growing beer snobbery, have begun to expand my disdain toward guys who unadventerously go for the Bass Ale... yes, it's a solid beer, but c'mon! Live a little!

4.) You may notice the spot where she's spending a lot of time washing glasses. The sinks may necessitate bending over at the waist. Do not sit in front of that spot. You will be able to see right down her shirt. She will know that you can see right down her shirt. She will find that it creepy if you sit there.

5.) No matter where you're sitting, don't stare. You won't be able to will her into conversation with you. You'll only succeed in augmenting the feeling of being a caged animal. Wait until she comes by to check on you to make light conversation. Once you cultivate the regular status, familiarity will grow and you'll be in business.

6.) Don't get wasted and ambush her. Don't get wasted and stay as she's closing the place down. Don't leave your number unsolicited. If you get wasted, you should probably keep to yourself, because she's going to remember the idiot things you said even if you don't. This harks back to my cardinal rule for picking up chicks: do not be more wasted than she is if you really want to score. This is tricky because bartenders are stone-sober. Or, they're supposed to be (at least in N'Hampshah).

7.) Take a friend. Become regulars together. This will help you to avoid sitting at the bar and silently waiting for her to talk to/look at you (which is creepy.... at all times, you want to avoid being creepy.). I don't tend to engage men who are solo at the bar (fearing the creep factor), but a pair or small group is manageable.

Above all, I think the important thing is that you must crawl before you can walk... befriend before you go for the digits. There are plenty of guys who hit on lady bartenders in alarming ways. Don't be that guy.



As an extra special bonus, I have a few important "Overheard From Behind the Bar" guy-to-girl pick up (or take home) lines that I'd like to share as a cautionary tale (be ye not so ridiculous):

"Mmmm. You smell fertile. No, seriously. That's a compliment."

(I am not making that up. I really overheard that. I very nearly puked into my sink. The sad thing is, the dude had only had two beers. )




"You're gorgeous. I just want you to know that."
"We don't need to have sex. We could just hold each other."
"I'm not just a one-night stand. I need love to get erect."

(These gems are all from one very wasted dude. I am also not making them up. It should be noted that in the latter line, he sort of pronounced it "luuuv." You'll be pleased to know, however, that the gentleman went home alone.)

[KatsMeow]

and wearing clothes i bought him

[KatsMeow]

apparently, i'm just a dumpster

[Ernst]

ooooohhhh maaannnn...... this can't end well. Sounds like he's not even worth the the paper you wrote on.

Maybe we should have Inky go talk to him.

[KatsMeow]

i want my heart back

[KatsMeow]

my heart just hurts

[KatsMeow]

I'm sorry, I'm venting...and crying

[KatsMeow]

egh well i guess i ran everyone away

[Ernst]

When I was a bartender I even had a drunk female patron crawl behind the bar and try to go down on me while I was working. Classy, huh? Alcohol can really bring out the best in some people. Called a cab and threw her in the back of it.

[Ernst]

Kats, you need to move on! You have a stable of flying tren monkeys ready to do your bidding anyway, if that makes you feel better.

[KatsMeow]

Kats, you need to move on! You have a stable of flying tren monkeys ready to do your bidding anyway, if that makes you feel better.

I guess... I don't understand why he has such a hold on me

[scibble]

The female bartender is perhaps the most jaded, cold, walled-off, and unapproachable member of the female species. Remember, she spends her evenings listening to men bullshit women. She gets hit on by the douche with the popped collar while his girlfriend's in the bathroom. She mentally counts the number of sentences it takes a guy to work sex into the conversation, because they always do. In her mind, men are predictable, ridiculous animals who can rarely be trusted, or worth her time.

[KatsMeow]

WTF scibb

[Ernst]

I guess... I don't understand why he has such a hold on me

Sometimes we all find ourselves tied to someone who is no good for us. You seem to be romanticizing whatever "not shortcomings" he has to make him seem like some kind of decent person... while clearly, he is not.

[Ernst]

The female bartender is perhaps the most jaded, cold, walled-off, and unapproachable member of the female species. Remember, she spends her evenings listening to men bullshit women. She gets hit on by the douche with the popped collar while his girlfriend's in the bathroom. She mentally counts the number of sentences it takes a guy to work sex into the conversation, because they always do. In her mind, men are predictable, ridiculous animals who can rarely be trusted, or worth her time.

Crushing on the female bartender at the club, eh scibble?

[scibble]

WTF scibb

ummmm....

let's just say i had a frustrating evening.

now ERN, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

[KatsMeow]

yeah I guess you are right, I want him to love me, like I loved him...and I guess it's clear that he doesn't

[KatsMeow]

I'm stupid

[scibble]

Crushing on the female bartender at the club, eh scibble?

not THAT bad....

she was just really friendly and remembered my drink and my pizza toppings
hshahahhaha

and talkative, AND flirty....

so....

[KatsMeow]

addicted to love

[KatsMeow]

not THAT bad....

she was just really friendly and remembered my drink and my pizza toppings
hshahahhaha

and talkative, AND flirty....

so....

[KatsMeow]

she wanted a big tip....women are like that.

[scibble]

hahah dont even ask!

might as well face it kat's addicted to love

[Ernst]

Robert Palmer was the man.

[KatsMeow]

yeah and I just want my Fing heart back

[KatsMeow]

I go take care of him when he is sick and whiney....where is he when i'm sick because I caught his funk...NOT HERE!

[Ernst]

she wanted a big tip....women are like that.

All service staff are like that.

I've worked with some of the finest female bartenders you have ever seen scibbles.

[scibble]

eh...

i'll continue to go and let her keep my tab and tip her just as fairly as i did before she shot me down...

based upon my experience tonight,
the awkwardness already almost gone,

and she being friendly again...

then after awhile maybe i try again

i AM a MAN after all

[Ernst]

I go take care of him when he is sick and whiney....where is he when i'm sick because I caught his funk...NOT HERE!

Put a couple drops of visine in his tea next time.

[KatsMeow]

well i guess i just need to go to sleep

[KatsMeow]

Put a couple drops of visine in his tea next time.

i'm too nice...thats my problem

[KatsMeow]

and now he wants to talk to me about moving in? Is that supposed to make him stop cheating or something?