This Will Be My last Post

[Magnito]

dont lose hope

[< <Samson> >]

Lose hope? Never - I have more than ever


I feel fucking amazing - thanks admin for asking

So far:

I still have new feelings on the left hand side of my head - a little shooting pains that come and go all over the left side of my dome, I can somewhat tell where the immobilization is made - it's right bellow the center of my ear canal, 1" towards the back of the left side of my head

Now, memory is much clearer - to notice how bad it was in comparison to rn is scary. I haven't been able to recall names or parts of conversation for the last decade+ . . . . . Now, I can all the sudden.

I seem to be able to pay attention to things much better - where before I felt very scatter brained.


My vision is better - it feels like my left eye just sees better(yet it was always 20/20) but, a month before this incident I noticed that I gotten 1-3 migraines that actually started with a blurry edge of the left eye


My right leg now has a very mild numbness on the outside of the foot where the 2 smaller toes are and shoots to the outside of the ankle and up the outer side of the calf < very very mild, and barely effects my walking


Made my whole walk today, well over 5k steps - shit feels amazing




To feel like I currently do in the amount of time it took - is nothing short of miracle


I am def looking forward to my next neurologist appointment, I don't know what to expect - but, I feel nothing short of amazing. Vitals are back to just about what they were prior to this event - I am on double fiber intake(shit ton of vegetables & some fruit)+ I snack on celery most of the day

[Capebuffalo]

Great news you Russian bastard. Keep that positive attitude.

[< <Samson> >]

Great news you Russian bastard. Keep that positive attitude.

It ain't going anywhere



Fuck, took my Lac out for a drive yesterday - shit, driving a car hasn't felt so good since I started driving

[< <Samson> >]

Back out of the ER again

Got a horrible head ache, nausea & just felt like complete ass - considering what I just had done, they all agreed that I should come in - everyone expected the worst - that the cast around the arteries/veins snapped. . . Nope, I thought too much - apparently too much brain activity or physical activity can really make you feel like shit - I went right into work for about a week now - not lifting, but walking a lot & actually lifting 1-5 pound weights, bending, reaching & so on


Yeah, that’s a no - my body recovered(give or take) but, the ol’ brain takes time. I told the neuro team on exactly what my activities were - they said it’s not too bad - but, I need to relax way more


Spoke with the 2nd in command neurosurgeon(guy is 32 & is the best neuro they have, according to the rest of the staff) for a real long while, asked him everything(aside from roid/drug use) - apparently this fucker is durable. But, needs some decent time to adapt - close to 2 months. Not much I not know about this monstrosity in my head now.

I may need a 2nd procedure, I’ll find that out in a month when I get another angiogram


Apparent neurosurgery is a science, just not an exact science.


But, according to dude(and, he really seems to know his shit) - I’m mostly out of the danger zone of dropping dead. The cast reduces pressure, even if it starts gaining pressure - it won’t get to 100% and that didn’t kill me. He said current reduction should b 95-100% - but, they do go for total obliteration. So, we’ll see if I get another round in a month

[austinite]

Glad you're doing better Samson. Keep it up Champ.

[lovbyts]

It ain't going anywhere



Fuck, took my Lac out for a drive yesterday - shit, driving a car hasn't felt so good since I started driving

Dude, glad to hear you are still with us. I just saw your first post on this and thought WTF? In one sense it's cool to get to say goodbye but on the other hand everyone was freaked out.

Hope you slow down enough to heal properly and everything goes back to normal. I know how hard it is to sit still, I seem to never be able to follow directions and re injure myself 2 or 3x after surgery.

Best wishes.

[-Ender-]

Glad to read that everything is going so well.

I had been hoping for the best. Sounds very positive!

[Capebuffalo]

Glad to read that everything is going so well.

I had been hoping for the best. Sounds very positive!

Damn dude where you been? Good to see you.

[< <Samson> >]

It's a bit to get use to, that's for sure. . . . I'm alive, surprisingly enough



But, how the rest goes isn't entirely up to me - I'm def trying my best & not letting go of anything - but, it's a dif world out here for me now, that's for sure



The luck involved for me to just get here, seems impossible at times. . . . And, depending on my mood of the minute - every minute is worth more than the last


Yet, I def am having some semi serious side effects atm - mostly my anxiety(along with sensation of something pressing against the inside of my scull, where the Onyx Injection was made+ shooting odd cranial pains). . . . I can't control it at times & that bitch runs. . . . Like nothing I felt before. It's no woosa bull shit - Unfortunately at times, i do need meds + I smoke a ton of weed & eat eatables

I was good all day, my son is like come on - u can still whoop me at mortal combat. I said fuck it & sat down & played(and, still beat em') - I took my BP before & after - before 135/75, after 175/86 - - - - And, I been trying to drop it for the last 3 hours - finally got it back down to under 140/80 < 2 Valumes & bowls of weed later - it's not even thoughts that run, it feels like blood rushes to my scull



That about covers it


Oh, and it's still clearly 2020

[JaneDoe]

God, he's good and has a great plan in his life. You are a soul belonging to Him, as long as you do not fulfill God's purpose on this earth, he will not allow you to leave this world. You are the son of promise, the son of God, Jesus Christ loves you and the Lord God is the doctor of doctors. Trust him, embrace God's opportunities, great deliverance from the Father! I wish you well and that you, keep that word in your chest: I am the resurrection and the life; whoever believes in me, even if he is dead, will live; And everyone who lives and believes in me will never die. "
Get well!!!

[< <Samson> >]

as long as you do not fulfill God's purpose on this earth

Current feeling 100%


I'm just trying to do my best - like I tell my son now, I don't have enough time to be bored

[*Admin*]

Current feeling 100%


I'm just trying to do my best - like I tell my son now, I don't have enough time to be bored

As we have spoken in pms, take your time and enjoy the little things that mean so much... remember we are not ever promised time.

Do not rush the time you have, I know it is hard not to just rush in to try to exceed what you were doing haha but slow and steady... your family wants you around a long time... as well as this family here... continued prayers for you.

[< <Samson> >]

Oh, being me now is a full time job with unlimited OT now - let alone I still hold up a bit of shit around the house - it’s a trip coming back since no one truly expected me to - everyone hoped for the best - but, the outcome sure seemed certain - It seriously shows me how much my immediate family depends on me & how much no one else cares(or, more like how they care)

Found a picture of my brain on 2020 - looks spot on

[almostgone]

Oh, being me now is a full time job with unlimited OT now - let alone I still hold up a bit of shit around the house - it’s a trip coming back since no one truly expected me to - everyone hoped for the best - but, the outcome sure seemed certain - It seriously shows me how much my immediate family depends on me & how much no one else cares(or, more like how they care)

Found a picture of my brain on 2020 - looks spot on

You've made one hell of a turnaround, man. Keep it up!

[< <Samson> >]

So, apparently my 1st post was far from my last - I really couldn’t believe in miracles like this. . . Well, sure do now. . . Heading into week four post embo procedure - just got my root canal done yesterday - shit, a root canal seems like a straight walk in the park compared to what I was going through just 3+ weeks ago

Walking daily, lifting 10 Lb weights daily - diet is what I would call 100% - perfect liquid intake daily, all neuro type supplements are tripled(if it helps 1% it’s well worth it), started taking potassium and kelp to help rid my body of the radiation that I received from all the cat scans and mega amounts of xrays

Sitting at right under 210 Lbs as of this am

[charger69]

So, apparently my 1st post was far from my last - I really couldn’t believe in miracles like this. . . Well, sure do now. . . Heading into week four post embo procedure - just got my root canal done yesterday - shit, a root canal seems like a straight walk in the park compared to what I was going through just 3+ weeks ago

Walking daily, lifting 10 Lb weights daily - diet is what I would call 100% - perfect liquid intake daily, all neuro type supplements are tripled(if it helps 1% it’s well worth it), started taking potassium and kelp to help rid my body of the radiation that I received from all the cat scans and mega amounts of xrays

Sitting at right under 210 Lbs as of this am

You look great!!!! All you guys look great and I keep getting fatter.
I asked the Dr to speed up the process and complained he is going to slow to get my T4 adjusted. I told him that I didn’t care if he overshot and then brought it back. He doesn’t think the same. LOL
You keep doing what you are doing because it is working!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[< <Samson> >]

You look great!!!! All you guys look great and I keep getting fatter.
I asked the Dr to speed up the process and complained he is going to slow to get my T4 adjusted. I told him that I didn’t care if he overshot and then brought it back. He doesn’t think the same. LOL
You keep doing what you are doing because it is working!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I do 10x more work rn(not physical by any means) to keep myself together - but, at this point what I do have to say is that it just means this much more to me. . . . More than 1/2 of the time since my procedure was done, I have near no appetite & feel a tad nauseous most of the time - I just make myself eat. I know what I need to eat & when - so, I push that shit down. . . . .

I feel like this thing looks, but days seem to be feelin better - one @ a time

[almostgone]

I do 10x more work rn(not physical by any means) to keep myself together - but, at this point what I do have to say is that it just means this much more to me. . . . More than 1/2 of the time since my procedure was done, I have near no appetite & feel a tad nauseous most of the time - I just make myself eat. I know what I need to eat & when - so, I push that shit down. . . . .

I feel like this thing looks, but days seem to be feelin better - one @ a time

Looks like a late series T class .They run better when they're broken in; just like a Kord MG.

I'm proud of you for incorporating the supps. Are you cleared for the weights yet. I know it's less than you're used to, but I wasn't expecting that for a few more weeks.

Man, you have gone a complete 180° from when you made your original post. I think I can safely say we were all in a state of shock, because if I recall correctly you thought the wicked head pain was related to a dental problem?

I know getting root canal done was a relief. Frigging dental pain can go from nagging to f-in blindingly ass horrible at the drop of a hat.

[< <Samson> >]

I mentioned it a little above - 10 Lb weights & walks is all I do - diet is spot on

Yes, it’s nothing short of a miracle. . . Because as soon as I made my 1st post, I seized up - I owe a lot to my neighbor(who just moved out days later after the incident) - he seen me come out of it for a second & decided that I still had a chance - I was stuffed in a ambulance minutes later. . . I did walk out the second time after getting brought by the ambulance. But, that visit is what pre set everything up for my next day visit to Barrow Neurological & stabilized my vitals for that nite. . .

[Mooseman33]

love to read this stuff brother.

please continue, and error on the side of rest.

[< <Samson> >]

love to read this stuff brother.

please continue, and error on the side of rest.

I will def continue as long as I can. . . . At this particular moment, unfortunately some things aren't looking up as much as I'd like them to

[*Admin*]

I will def continue as long as I can. . . . At this particular moment, unfortunately some things aren't looking up as much as I'd like them to

Just a day at a time in slow mode... ok time will let you know when to move to moderate mode and so on and so forth... trust me only way.

[almostgone]

I will def continue as long as I can. . . . At this particular moment, unfortunately some things aren't looking up as much as I'd like them to

Hang in there, man. Like *Admin* said, time will let you know when to up the intensity and don't forget healing up is a lot like lifting or any other physical skill. You improve, you improve a little more, and maybe a tad more, then you plateau for a while, and then you improve again; basically a lather, rinse, and repeat process.

Take the times you plateau to reflect on your improvements and remind yourself of the important things in life.

[guitarzan]

Damn man, just seeing this. Glad you ok, hopefully you'll keep healing. Good luck brother!

[< <Samson> >]

Well, I'm still Ok


Angiogram is next week, another covid test this week. . . They fucked up & had a incorrect phone number for me & we thought I had another month before heading back into hell - If all is well, I get a year till next angiogram. If it don't go so well, I get to do this procedure again - this time, it would be a easier from what I gather. Since, this time around there is no rupture & it will be mostly contained beforehand



I am breaking down mentally more & more every day(I'm starting to require more psyche meds). . . . Working out(with 10Lb weights) & activity is what keep some sanity in me. Although me & my wife came up with the idea to possibly try for another kid - We been talking about it for quite a while. And, now - well, shit - it seems like a good idea < we just talked about it & that seems to have lifted my spirits up quite a bit


At this point, I am glad for meds & weed(since I still don't drink) - although supposedly I can


There's no more day at a time, it's a minute/hour at a time - I talked to my parents already. My mom knew right away something was up & actually sensed this when it happened(my dad confirmed)



I have no appetite for shit & just make myself eat - My opinion is that it's from the mega ton of radiation I have received over the last month to my head



I go through phases very often throughout the day that I feel this is a dream & I'm gonna wake up - but, I just can't - all the man shit & spiritual shit aside. . . . This feels like a month long nightmare. . . Yet, that I was destined for since birth. . . My mom also told me, that I bled from my left ear right when I was born. She never said this to me in the past, no one knew why I bled - this was 1980 in Leningrad - What do you expect. . . .


But, after talking with parents - specially my mom. I feel like I succeeded - she said to me "I finally listened to you" - she got on psyche meds. She needed them her whole life & refused all medication & would not sleep for days at a time - last time we spoke, i emphasized that she needed to get on meds, or something bad will happen - she acted too erratically & was getting to a point of constant psychosis

Both sides of my family are plagued with mental issues:

Dad's Mom - had a growth(who knows that it was) they had to work on when she was 22, she made it to 70. . . But, she was considered clinically insane after the operation
Dad's Dad - Lost his vision at the age of 9, became a scientist until he reached full mania(I don't remember his age). I remember the last day I seen him & the hospital we left him at - I was told to look down & not look at anyone around me - The cold brick walls of a real true Russian Mental institution - and the white long empty halls filled with nothing but screams of deep agony

My mom has no parents, none were ever found - she grew up in an orphanage until



So we talked some more - she said she doesn't remember me being diagnosed with this when I was 14 - I think it's just due to her language barrier(or memory blocking skills as good as mine). . . I remember the term the MD said - Arteriovenous malformation


Shit, found out more about my past than I ever knew - dad's grandpa was in the Russian army & his grandma lived through the Leningrad blockade





I'll keep this updated a bit, because it may help me later


Not stopping, diet is close to spot on - but, a home dinner from Olive Garden seemed like it was in order the other day. Lifting 10 pounds weights a lot, walking 3 miles in the am - but, my right leg seems to show more numbness




I feel like everything in my life has been placed together in a nearly perfect puzzle - down to the fact I didn't have a gun to reach for to pull the trigger on(in a moment of weakness). . . I was supposed to have it. But, I don't - I have quite a few, but being serious - you gotta do the job right, don't fuck yourself up(my best friend did this with a 9mm, he lived for 6 hours & no one called me) - I'd pull it on a 50 cal, but it's not here - it's the one gun that got away from my collection. I was supposed to have it, but I wouldn't pull the trigger on the trade - the guy told me, you will remember not making this trade for the rest of your life - I said, I know - it was gold platted 50 cal Desert Eagle

[slfmade]

Hang in there buddy. It's sounds like you've got a good support system at home and within this forum but never be afraid to reach out to support groups too. Talking with others in the same boat or a similar one can be really beneficial. I've seen them make a huge difference for many people. I'm assuming you've got a case manager? You should, if you're not aware of who that is, reach it to the hospital and find out who it assigned to your case and ask that person about available groups in your area.

[Capebuffalo]

Everyday is a gift. Keep doing what you are doing.

[Test Monsterone]

I go through phases very often throughout the day that I feel this is a dream & I'm gonna wake up - but, I just can't - all the man shit & spiritual shit aside. . . . This feels like a month long nightmare. . . Yet, that I was destined for since birth. . . My mom also told me, that I bled from my left ear right when I was born. She never said this to me in the past, no one knew why I bled - this was 1980 in Leningrad - What do you expect. . . .

That stood out to me right there. All the man shit and spiritual shit aside, but you still have to go through with it, and it's not easy. I feel your pain, brother. You've surprised me, and probably everyone, with your positive, forward-thinking attitude. I know deep inside you're hurting, but you keep going. Mental strength is the best strength. Even when you feel like giving up.

I feel like I should be more careful, too, sometimes... today after my last deadlifting set my heart started doing backflips for 30 seconds. I already know I have a semi-bad mitral valve and high blood pressure. I checked my bp standing and it was 180/90 something when I was just relaxing. Sitting was 150 over something. Coffee really makes my bp spike... and my dick shrink.

[slfmade]

That stood out to me right there. All the man shit and spiritual shit aside, but you still have to go through with it, and it's not easy. I feel your pain, brother. You've surprised me, and probably everyone, with your positive, forward-thinking attitude. I know deep inside you're hurting, but you keep going. Mental strength is the best strength. Even when you feel like giving up.

I feel like I should be more careful, too, sometimes... today after my last deadlifting set my heart started doing backflips for 30 seconds. I already know I have a semi-bad mitral valve and high blood pressure. I checked my bp standing and it was 180/90 something when I was just relaxing. Sitting was 150 over something. Coffee really makes my bp spike... and my dick shrink.

Well ain't that the shit! All of these years I've been thinking it was my damn genetics and you're telling me it was the fvcking coffee? I guess I better throw out the Folgers and take back all that evil shit I've said about my dad over the years.

[BG]

well ain't that the shit! All of these years i've been thinking it was my damn genetics and you're telling me it was the fvcking coffee? I guess i better throw out the folgers and take back all that evil shit i've said about my dad over the years.

lmfao!

[< <Samson> >]

Another pre op today - another angiogram next Thursday @ 6am & possible embolization

No one has told me anything & my neurosurgeon’s report doesn’t match what the other neuro said - I’m far from fine mentally, physically I’m still all here & recovered. . .I’m just going with the flow, I don’t know what else to do - I did all the research on this, these quaks are the best in the business - but, I really don’t know how much more I can take at times


I can’t sleep without a lot of meds, during the day I’m alright without em

[Mooseman33]

lean on the meds right now brotha.

keeping telling urself to slowdown.

keep the fight going.

[almostgone]

Another pre op today - another angiogram next Thursday @ 6am & possible embolization

No one has told me anything & my neurosurgeon’s report doesn’t match what the other neuro said - I’m far from fine mentally, physically I’m still all here & recovered. . .I’m just going with the flow, I don’t know what else to do - I did all the research on this, these quaks are the best in the business - but, I really don’t know how much more I can take at times


I can’t sleep without a lot of meds, during the day I’m alright without em

Maybe your internal clock has been upset by all of this. Can you sleep w/o meds during the day?

[SampsonandDelilah]

lean on the meds right now brotha.

keeping telling urself to slowdown.

keep the fight going.

Have to lean on the meds and as AG suggested I’m sure your clock is off. It doesn’t take much to interrupt a circadian rhythm.

150 mgs of trazadone has been life changing for me, some nights I use alprazolam to light the fuse. Am I addicted to sleeping pills or am I addicted to sleep? I know which one I’m choosing....

When the situation changes and balance is restored, then the appropriate changes can be made. Until then be compassionate towards yourself and allow grace to set in and do what the fuck you need to do.

Guarantee it doesn’t help that you’re constantly juggling the stress of this all as well, there’s cerebral consequences you’re not even aware of that are occurring in your brain. Use the meds to slow it all down...

[< <Samson> >]

I have never been able to sleep during the day - ever

I’m working on it - that’s for sure. . . Just got another pre op done - the new liquid rona test alone made today 3x easier


I def got freaked a bit but the incomplete and misspelled neurosurgeon report - but, how I physically feel really shows his work - I guess writing isn’t the guy’s strong skill

Along with going back under and feeling great don’t really go hand in hand

I’m beyond glad I had the one on one with the 2nd in command neurosurgeon - if it wasn’t for me going back into er & talking with this guy for 20 minutes, I wouldn’t know shit of what’s going on

His confidence, def gave me a bit


Being clear headed atm, I see going forward with their procedure line up still the right way to go

[almostgone]

I have never been able to sleep during the day - ever

I’m working on it - that’s for sure. . . Just got another pre op done - the new liquid rona test alone made today 3x easier


I def got freaked a bit but the incomplete and misspelled neurosurgeon report - but, how I physically feel really shows his work - I guess writing isn’t the guy’s strong skill

Along with going back under and feeling great don’t really go hand in hand

I’m beyond glad I had the one on one with the 2nd in command neurosurgeon - if it wasn’t for me going back into er & talking with this guy for 20 minutes, I wouldn’t know shit of what’s going on

His confidence, def gave me a bit


Being clear headed atm, I see going forward with their procedure line up still the right way to go

I think some doctors still use a voice recorder for patient observations/ notes and have someone else transcribe them. Maybe that explains the spelling.

Glad you got to talk to the second in command!!

[< <Samson> >]

Been talking to folk at my support group(yeah, NEVER thought I'd one of these) - it's a love hate relationship. Hearing other people's stories is quite depressing at times, yet the opposite some days


But, the conclusion I came to from the other folks experiences - the tougher recovery that I was/am having is from the rupture/hemorrhage - the embolization procedure according to the other folk isn't all that bad(not great, that's for sure) - but the rupture/hemorrhage is the shit that really fucks you up - from what I gather, that's what gave me the semi permanent numbness in my right foot/ankle(it's not bad at all)


Shit, I knew something had to take me down to the ground - addiction couldn't do it, I was never that stupid. . . Let alone anything else



Haven't had a cigarette in - I don't even know how long. . . . Increased stroke risk just doesn't sound like a good idea

Least I have drank alcohol since I was 20 - maybe a drink or 2 since I been home from the original ICU stay


Still lifting 10 Lb weights + walking. . . I think I wanna put on a few pounds before I go back into ICU(if I don't have to, even better) - since I know I'll drop a few before I come back out

Finally touched my toes for the 1st time in over 5 weeks - def a strange feeling - head feels great



These emotional spells up until this have been just fucking weird - it's like a instant feeling of the worst come down, or something like when you're coming off a strong cycle abruptly - and, it's set off by real things - but, things that u can't change - sooooo





ATM - back to

[almostgone]

You've been through a lot, <Samson>, I mean a lot and all at one time. When I had all of the cardiac issues ranging from viral myocarditis, a sub-12% ejection fraction, firing a cardiologist, getting a new cardiologist, pacemaker implantation, bacteremia, pacemaker removal, genetic clotting disorder, plus several other sideshows, it definitely fvcked with my head, but over a much longer period of time. You've had much more to process in a much shorter time.

It's just so much shit to process at one time that you feel like everything is just a horrible dream, other days I felt like I just wasn't me anymore. So, given the nature of your illness and surgery, I think you're handling everything very well. Even if you don't particularly feel stressed, there's stress going on in the background, which will make things seem downright bizarre.

Keep doing what you're doing and "Well done" on dropping the cigs and embracing the physical activity as allowed by your treatment team.

[< <Samson> >]

It's just so much shit to process at one time that you feel like everything is just a horrible dream, other days I felt like I just wasn't me anymore. So, given the nature of your illness and surgery, I think you're handling everything very well. Even if you don't particularly feel stressed, there's stress going on in the background, which will make things seem downright bizarre.

Dude - - - That's exactly how I feel at times - back & fourth



Yeah, for sure - this shit seems beyond bizarre, due to severity & that I lived with it this long and, just lived with the symptoms without even knowing shit - let alone that this POS isn't quite operable, this is why they are solely using embolization < this shit was only perfected within the last 3 years - before, well - they had partials & possible craniotomy < after a cranitiomy, I would be guaranteed to have serious issues - so, talk about some serious shit you can't deny